Today I finally got up the courage to say something that's been on my heart for a long time.
It's no surprise to anyone (well at least those I know pretty well) that it has been an incredibly rough past 6 months for me. I was in a situation that beat every single ounce of confidence I ever had out of me. It came to the point where I would have severe anxiety and panic attacks over the simplest things because I simply didn't think I was WORTHY or CAPABLE.
It was horrible.
It was terrifying.
It is something I hope you NEVER have to experience in your life.
My self worth was zero. I didn't believe I had any skills or talents or was worthy of anyones time.
The worst part is that I have a very hard time letting people into my personal world. I've become incredibly good as sitting and smiling and acting like everything is completely fine because I don't want to be "ungrateful" for what I have or a "whiner".
I'm not going into details because 1) I'd never want to put somebody or something in a negative light like that and 2) it's in the past and that's where I intend to keep it.
I have no hard feelings or ill will towards what happened. I was just in a wrong environment which didn't work for me. Simple as that.
The point of this post isn't to rant about about how horrible people or situations or life is. Life happens. The point is for anyone reading this to understand that you are worthy and talented and have value and if you are not seeing that in yourself you need to understand you might simply just be in the wrong environment. Some people thrive in one world where others simply don't.
If you find yourself in a situation that is causing you to lose your self worth you need to get out of it and move on to something new. It's scary, it's hard, but it is so worth it.
I am so fortunate to have been able to surround myself with people that love on me, encourage me, challenge me, and build me up. Because of that I have been able to climb out of my shell again and start to really excel at the things I love.
This doesn't mean that every idea I have is praised or that everytime I breathe people are worshipping me and telling me how wonderful I am. That's not healthy either. But I am finally surrounded by teams of people that SUPPORT and ENCOURAGE. It is truly amazing what a team filled of "Yes And" personalities (yes I did throw an improv reference in there!) can do together.
It's because of those people that I can truly live again and feel good about life. I don't think they will ever know how important they are in my life and how much I appreciate them.
It's amazing how quickly damage can be done from simply being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Because of my experiences I feel called to invest in people and make sure no one ever feels the way I did. If you ever feel worthless, depressed, or invaluable I truly hope you'll reach out to me so we can get through it together. It sucks, but it also has an end if you surround yourself with the right people and opportunities.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
This Week I Started Retirement
This week I officially started retirement.
Let me put the disclaimer on here that, no, I am not permanently retired. I will be going back to work! In fact, I have already started working a little bit since leaving my past job. Using the term "retirement" is just a way we have described this transitional period in my life. It's a way to help let my mind relax and enjoy this time where I have little more freedom than usual.
Regardless of whether you choose to leave a job like I did, or whether you have been laid off, it can be terrifying not knowing where your next paycheck will be coming from. This whole transition has been a huge test of faith for me and a little bit scary. At the same time I have never felt more peace as I've been provided for in ways I never could have imagined. I'd also just like to mention how thankful I am for an amazing soon to be husband who works his butt off so I can enjoy this period of time off work. I am so grateful for him each and every day.
Since I've been "retired" I've been given the gift of slowing down and enjoying the little things again. Here are a few things I've been enjoying:
1) Writing - I had been so burned out that I stopped writing for myself. I stopped working on sketch writing, I'd stopped blogging and journaling, I stopped working on personal projects I had such a passion for. Since retirement I've picked up my pen again (or more like my keyboard) and I've really enjoying working on projects for myself, one of those projecting being this blog :)
2) Wedding Planning - With so much going on over the last few months wedding planning had become more of a burden than a joy for me. I was so ready to just head to the court house and call off the big wedding we will be having. Now that my stress and anxiety levels are down I have really enjoyed getting back into the swing of it. Planning a wedding should never be a miserable experience and I am so glad I've gotten a chance to start enjoying it again.
3) Cooking - I love to cook. But it's hard to get motivated to do so once you've worked all day and have a million other chores to get done in the evenings. Over the last few months we've eaten more cereal and ego waffle dinners than I care to admit. Having the time now to really prepare nice meals for dinner has been fantastic.
4) Time Outdoors - Sitting at a computer all day really takes away from the time you have to enjoy the great outdoors. While we have a beautiful fenced in back yard I constantly felt guilty that I didn't always have a lot of time to spend outside with my dog. Since retirement I've made it a point to take the time I now have and use it by going to the dog park more frequently and taking more walks.
5) Following my Dreams - Since retirement I've had the chance to really evaluate where I want to be heading in my life. I've been given some opportunities to explore the passions I have. Not all of my dreams will probably work out but at least I've been given the opportunity to test them out. The last thing I want to do 60 years from now is have regrets about not doing the things I love.
There are a million other things having some "retirement" time has provided for me and I am so grateful. I know not everyone is as fortunate as me to be able to take time off of work so I am going to enjoy every second of it as I know it will be short lived.
Let me put the disclaimer on here that, no, I am not permanently retired. I will be going back to work! In fact, I have already started working a little bit since leaving my past job. Using the term "retirement" is just a way we have described this transitional period in my life. It's a way to help let my mind relax and enjoy this time where I have little more freedom than usual.
Regardless of whether you choose to leave a job like I did, or whether you have been laid off, it can be terrifying not knowing where your next paycheck will be coming from. This whole transition has been a huge test of faith for me and a little bit scary. At the same time I have never felt more peace as I've been provided for in ways I never could have imagined. I'd also just like to mention how thankful I am for an amazing soon to be husband who works his butt off so I can enjoy this period of time off work. I am so grateful for him each and every day.
Since I've been "retired" I've been given the gift of slowing down and enjoying the little things again. Here are a few things I've been enjoying:
1) Writing - I had been so burned out that I stopped writing for myself. I stopped working on sketch writing, I'd stopped blogging and journaling, I stopped working on personal projects I had such a passion for. Since retirement I've picked up my pen again (or more like my keyboard) and I've really enjoying working on projects for myself, one of those projecting being this blog :)
2) Wedding Planning - With so much going on over the last few months wedding planning had become more of a burden than a joy for me. I was so ready to just head to the court house and call off the big wedding we will be having. Now that my stress and anxiety levels are down I have really enjoyed getting back into the swing of it. Planning a wedding should never be a miserable experience and I am so glad I've gotten a chance to start enjoying it again.
3) Cooking - I love to cook. But it's hard to get motivated to do so once you've worked all day and have a million other chores to get done in the evenings. Over the last few months we've eaten more cereal and ego waffle dinners than I care to admit. Having the time now to really prepare nice meals for dinner has been fantastic.
4) Time Outdoors - Sitting at a computer all day really takes away from the time you have to enjoy the great outdoors. While we have a beautiful fenced in back yard I constantly felt guilty that I didn't always have a lot of time to spend outside with my dog. Since retirement I've made it a point to take the time I now have and use it by going to the dog park more frequently and taking more walks.
5) Following my Dreams - Since retirement I've had the chance to really evaluate where I want to be heading in my life. I've been given some opportunities to explore the passions I have. Not all of my dreams will probably work out but at least I've been given the opportunity to test them out. The last thing I want to do 60 years from now is have regrets about not doing the things I love.
There are a million other things having some "retirement" time has provided for me and I am so grateful. I know not everyone is as fortunate as me to be able to take time off of work so I am going to enjoy every second of it as I know it will be short lived.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Today I Found Out When it Rains it Pours
So remember that feeling of complete peace that washed over my entire being a few days ago? I do it. It was fantastic. It was relaxing. It was brief.
Literally less than a week after I mustered up the courage to finally "retire" from my current career, something which took an incredible amount of faith, the rain started to fall. My personal computer died on me. The computer I use for my music, videos, writing, paying bills, and managing my finances. I thought ok well this sucks but you know what I've got savings! No worries I'll go find myself a new computer. Then the following day I get into a car accident which causes over $1,000 in damages. Insurance is a wonderful thing but with a $1,000 deductible it still left me another grand in the hole. I started to break down a bit. Why couldn't all of these things have happened when I knew I had a steady paycheck coming in every month. Why would my faith lead me to make sure a serious decision just to have everything start to collapse from underneath me? To clear my head I decided to get outside and take the dog for a walk. I leashed up my puppy and put my ipod on and started to stroll down the road. The first song Pandora rendered up for me started to play.
Literally less than a week after I mustered up the courage to finally "retire" from my current career, something which took an incredible amount of faith, the rain started to fall. My personal computer died on me. The computer I use for my music, videos, writing, paying bills, and managing my finances. I thought ok well this sucks but you know what I've got savings! No worries I'll go find myself a new computer. Then the following day I get into a car accident which causes over $1,000 in damages. Insurance is a wonderful thing but with a $1,000 deductible it still left me another grand in the hole. I started to break down a bit. Why couldn't all of these things have happened when I knew I had a steady paycheck coming in every month. Why would my faith lead me to make sure a serious decision just to have everything start to collapse from underneath me? To clear my head I decided to get outside and take the dog for a walk. I leashed up my puppy and put my ipod on and started to stroll down the road. The first song Pandora rendered up for me started to play.
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
I stopped dead in my tracks as a tear fell down my cheek. The only thing I could do was stop and pray. And you know what? When I opened my eyes I felt peace again. Complete peace.
Later that day I was out with a friend when I got a call from my insurance company. I still had to pay the $1,000 deductible but because this was the first accident I've ever been involved in I would receive "accident forgiveness" and my rates would not go up. This was an incredible blessing as I had worked out my "non working" budget for the following few months based on my current rate.
Not more than an hour later I received a text message from my dad saying that I could have my moms old computer if I wanted it. It's a bit prehistoric but it functions and that's all I needed right now.
Then once again, not more than an hour after I received the text message I got an email from the lady I was involved in the accident with. She thanked me for how responsible I was and how grateful she was that I took charge and got everything sorted with insurance. Apparently she had just moved here from Connecticut and was going through a very stressful time. It was a great reminder that despite the fact I was pretty angry with everything that happened kindness always wins. I could have been bitter and chewed her out. My life after all hasn't been a cakewalk either. But choosing to love instead of hate proved to be the right decision. It was a great reminder that you never know what is going on in someone else's life and showing or not showing compassion can make or break someone.
You might think the story stops here but it doesn't. That night I had a work send off dinner. I got in my car and headed down to Charlotte. I got stuck in a torrential down pour and ended up having to pull off the highway for a few minutes to avoid getting in yet another accident. I sat on the side of the road for a few minutes flipping through radio stations trying to find some music to jam out to. I had no luck finding music but I did stumble upon a station that was interviewing Dave Ramsey, a financial peace guru. I had taken his course the previous Spring. As I listened he talked about emergency funds, something I have faithfully built up over the last year and a half. It was a fantastic reminder that despite the fact I have some large bills piling up it's not going to be a problem for me. That's why we have emergency funds. They are for the times in which is seems to pour. They are a security blanket for when times are rough. They are the peace that comes when we get rocked financially. Once again thanks to that course God provided and everything was going to be ok.
Don't get me wrong. Like any normal human being I still feel frustrated, upset, and slightly worried. It's healthy to feel those things. But as I sat in my car and the rain began to let up I was reminded that every storm has an ending. You just need to have the faith to believe it will stop. I truly believe this all was a test of faith. We were never promised life would be easy but as long as we remain faithful we will be taken care of as we journey through life.
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I'm not quite sure where my quarter life crisis will be leading me but I trust my journey will end with a brilliant rainbow when I reach my destination.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Today I Followed My Heart
The last few months I've had insane panic attacks. The last few weeks I've had extreme meltdowns. But today I did something different. Today I followed my heart.
This morning I sat shaking in a cold conference room frantically checking my phone every two minutes as the air from the air conditioning vent poured over me. A handful of bunched up paper towels were shoved in my left hand pocket that I snagged from the ladies room. I was an emotional train wreck. I was about to do the most terrifying thing I've even done in my life. I was about to tell my boss I was giving my two weeks notice, a decision in which I agonized over for quite a long time.
Like many young adults I felt a lot of pressure going in to college to be decided on a major. Over and over again we were told we'd save time and money and have a better experience if we knew what we wanted going in. So I did what a lot of my other peers did and chose a major that I felt comfortable with, studied hard for four years, graduated and then did what I could to to secure the best job possible after graduation. I was one of the lucky ones. I received a job offer on my way to graduation, graduated, took a trip to the beach with my friends to celebrate, and then packed up and headed to a new state to start my new journey. The pay was good, the benefits were decent, and the people were wonderful. I was incredibly blessed.
Flash forward a few years. The company I work for was still there and thriving, however a series of changes altered the direction the company was headed. My work became incredibly technical, something I am not naturally gifted at. I began to feel like a failure as new work that continued to get more difficult and complex piled up on me. I knew in my heart of hearts that I could no longer do this any more. My heart told me leave and start a new adventure. But my brain, and society, told me stay. My brain told me you have bills to pay you can't afford to give up what you've got going for you. My brain told me you've invested so much into this company it would be a waste to just leave it all behind. My brain told me that I should just suck it up and feel grateful because there are thousands of college students who are as equally qualified as you that can not find work.
I allowed myself to talk myself out of making a change for so long. I was not happy. I was not using my skills and talents. I was not finding joy in my work. But I was receiving a paycheck so that had to make everything ok. Over the last 6 months or so I noticed myself having severe panic and anxiety attacks. Five days ago I had one of the most terrifying panic attacks I've ever experienced. Finally after an hour of my mom talking me down over the phone I knew it was time to make a change.
This is the thing friends,you need to do what makes you happy in life because you only get to do life once. Here are a few things I've learned over the last few days that I hope can encourage you to a leap of faith if you're wanting to head in a new direction.
1) You need to believe that you are worth taking a risk on yourself. If you are truly passionate about something you need to give yourself the chance to pursue it. Sure working a 9-5 with a steady paycheck is comfortable but in my experience no amount of money makes only feeling "comfortable" worth it.
Ok Ok - If you're making millions and you're just "comfortable" work for a year or two and then retire and pursue your dreams. Also please put my name in for that job because I'd like to get in on that action.
2) You need to understand that big changes can be terrifying. It's no cake walk making a decision that literally impacts your entire life. You're going to need to pull up your big girl or big boy pants and tough it out if you're serious about making a change in your life. Change is scary but the outcome is entirely worth it.
3) You need to know that there is nothing wrong with un-salaried work. Society has brainwashed us into thinking that if we don't have a standard 9-5 job by the time we graduate college we are failures. There is nothing wrong working part time jobs and piecing things together if that's what you need to do to allow yourself to take the next step toward your goals.
4) You need to have a Plan B. Fear kills a lot things including our dreams. Having an emergency plan gives us confidence and reassurance as we take the next steps towards the things we want. It opens up the opportunity for us to tell ourselves "it's going to be ok" even if things don't turn out how I expect them to.
5) You have to be honest with yourself. If you're unhappy now there is no way in hell that you are going to be happy 5 years down the road when you're given more work and more responsibility. Have an honest conversation with yourself and figure out what you really want. You can only lie to yourself for so long before it will start to physically, mentally, and emotionally eat away at you.
At 10:23 this morning I told my boss I was giving my two weeks notice. I was terrified. I was shaking. I was sobbing like a baby. But you know what I survived. I left with a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a very very long time. And guess what. When I got home my house was still there waiting for me. I had food in my fridge. My incredibly loving fiance was waiting for me with loving arms. Everything was ok. The world kept spinning. I didn't die. And now I can move on to bigger and better things. Things that will allow me to use the gifts and talents I've been blessed with.
Today I gave myself permission to listen to my heart instead of my brain, and it's the best things I've ever done for myself.
In a few short months I will be turning 25 so I'm calling this period of time in my life my "quarter life crisis". I am hoping you will come along for the ride with me and join me on my new journey. If you know people that are struggling with this decision please feel free to share this post with them or have them get in touch with me. I've now been through it so I'd love to help out in any I can.
Until next time...
Ali
This morning I sat shaking in a cold conference room frantically checking my phone every two minutes as the air from the air conditioning vent poured over me. A handful of bunched up paper towels were shoved in my left hand pocket that I snagged from the ladies room. I was an emotional train wreck. I was about to do the most terrifying thing I've even done in my life. I was about to tell my boss I was giving my two weeks notice, a decision in which I agonized over for quite a long time.
Like many young adults I felt a lot of pressure going in to college to be decided on a major. Over and over again we were told we'd save time and money and have a better experience if we knew what we wanted going in. So I did what a lot of my other peers did and chose a major that I felt comfortable with, studied hard for four years, graduated and then did what I could to to secure the best job possible after graduation. I was one of the lucky ones. I received a job offer on my way to graduation, graduated, took a trip to the beach with my friends to celebrate, and then packed up and headed to a new state to start my new journey. The pay was good, the benefits were decent, and the people were wonderful. I was incredibly blessed.
Flash forward a few years. The company I work for was still there and thriving, however a series of changes altered the direction the company was headed. My work became incredibly technical, something I am not naturally gifted at. I began to feel like a failure as new work that continued to get more difficult and complex piled up on me. I knew in my heart of hearts that I could no longer do this any more. My heart told me leave and start a new adventure. But my brain, and society, told me stay. My brain told me you have bills to pay you can't afford to give up what you've got going for you. My brain told me you've invested so much into this company it would be a waste to just leave it all behind. My brain told me that I should just suck it up and feel grateful because there are thousands of college students who are as equally qualified as you that can not find work.
I allowed myself to talk myself out of making a change for so long. I was not happy. I was not using my skills and talents. I was not finding joy in my work. But I was receiving a paycheck so that had to make everything ok. Over the last 6 months or so I noticed myself having severe panic and anxiety attacks. Five days ago I had one of the most terrifying panic attacks I've ever experienced. Finally after an hour of my mom talking me down over the phone I knew it was time to make a change.
This is the thing friends,you need to do what makes you happy in life because you only get to do life once. Here are a few things I've learned over the last few days that I hope can encourage you to a leap of faith if you're wanting to head in a new direction.
1) You need to believe that you are worth taking a risk on yourself. If you are truly passionate about something you need to give yourself the chance to pursue it. Sure working a 9-5 with a steady paycheck is comfortable but in my experience no amount of money makes only feeling "comfortable" worth it.
Ok Ok - If you're making millions and you're just "comfortable" work for a year or two and then retire and pursue your dreams. Also please put my name in for that job because I'd like to get in on that action.
2) You need to understand that big changes can be terrifying. It's no cake walk making a decision that literally impacts your entire life. You're going to need to pull up your big girl or big boy pants and tough it out if you're serious about making a change in your life. Change is scary but the outcome is entirely worth it.
3) You need to know that there is nothing wrong with un-salaried work. Society has brainwashed us into thinking that if we don't have a standard 9-5 job by the time we graduate college we are failures. There is nothing wrong working part time jobs and piecing things together if that's what you need to do to allow yourself to take the next step toward your goals.
4) You need to have a Plan B. Fear kills a lot things including our dreams. Having an emergency plan gives us confidence and reassurance as we take the next steps towards the things we want. It opens up the opportunity for us to tell ourselves "it's going to be ok" even if things don't turn out how I expect them to.
5) You have to be honest with yourself. If you're unhappy now there is no way in hell that you are going to be happy 5 years down the road when you're given more work and more responsibility. Have an honest conversation with yourself and figure out what you really want. You can only lie to yourself for so long before it will start to physically, mentally, and emotionally eat away at you.
At 10:23 this morning I told my boss I was giving my two weeks notice. I was terrified. I was shaking. I was sobbing like a baby. But you know what I survived. I left with a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a very very long time. And guess what. When I got home my house was still there waiting for me. I had food in my fridge. My incredibly loving fiance was waiting for me with loving arms. Everything was ok. The world kept spinning. I didn't die. And now I can move on to bigger and better things. Things that will allow me to use the gifts and talents I've been blessed with.
Today I gave myself permission to listen to my heart instead of my brain, and it's the best things I've ever done for myself.
In a few short months I will be turning 25 so I'm calling this period of time in my life my "quarter life crisis". I am hoping you will come along for the ride with me and join me on my new journey. If you know people that are struggling with this decision please feel free to share this post with them or have them get in touch with me. I've now been through it so I'd love to help out in any I can.
Until next time...
Ali
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