Today I Followed My Heart

The last few months I've had insane panic attacks. The last few weeks I've had extreme meltdowns. But today I did something different. Today I followed my heart.

This morning I sat shaking in a cold conference room frantically checking my phone every two minutes as the air from the air conditioning vent poured over me. A handful of bunched up paper towels were shoved in my left hand pocket that I snagged from the ladies room. I was an emotional train wreck. I was about to do the most terrifying thing I've even done in my life. I was about to tell my boss I was giving my two weeks notice, a decision in which I agonized over for quite a long time.

Like many young adults I felt a lot of pressure going in to college to be decided on a major. Over and over again we were told we'd save time and money and have a better experience if we knew what we wanted going in. So I did what a lot of my other peers did and chose a major that I felt comfortable with, studied hard for four years, graduated and then did what I could to to secure the best job possible after graduation. I was one of the lucky ones. I received a job offer on my way to graduation, graduated, took a trip to the beach with my friends to celebrate, and then packed up and headed to a new state to start my new journey. The pay was good, the benefits were decent, and the people were wonderful. I was incredibly blessed.

Flash forward a few years. The company I work for was still there and thriving, however a series of changes altered the direction the company was headed. My work became incredibly technical, something I am not naturally gifted at. I began to feel like a failure as new work that continued to get more difficult and complex piled up on me. I knew in my heart of hearts that I could no longer do this any more. My heart told me leave and start a new adventure. But my brain, and society, told me stay. My brain told me you have bills to pay you can't afford to give up what you've got going for you. My brain told me you've invested so much into this company it would be a waste to just leave it all behind. My brain told me that I should just suck it up and feel grateful because there are thousands of college students who are as equally qualified as you that can not find work.

I allowed myself to talk myself out of making a change for so long. I was not happy. I was not using my skills and talents. I was not finding joy in my work. But I was receiving a paycheck so that had to make everything ok. Over the last 6 months or so I noticed myself having severe panic and anxiety attacks. Five days ago I had one of the most terrifying panic attacks I've ever experienced. Finally after an hour of my mom talking me down over the phone I knew it was time to make a change.

This is the thing friends,you need to do what makes you happy in life because you only get to do life once. Here are a few things I've learned over the last few days that I hope can encourage you to a leap of faith if you're wanting to head in a new direction.

1) You need to believe that you are worth taking a risk on yourself. If you are truly passionate about something you need to give yourself the chance to pursue it. Sure working a 9-5 with a steady paycheck is comfortable but in my experience no amount of money makes only feeling "comfortable" worth it.

Ok Ok - If you're making millions and you're just "comfortable" work for a year or two and then retire and pursue your dreams. Also please put my name in for that job because I'd like to get in on that action.

2) You need to understand that big changes can be terrifying. It's no cake walk making a decision that literally impacts your entire life. You're going to need to pull up your big girl or big boy pants and tough it out if you're serious about making a change in your life. Change is scary but the outcome is entirely worth it.

3) You need to know that there is nothing wrong with un-salaried work. Society has brainwashed us into thinking that if we don't have a standard 9-5 job by the time we graduate college we are failures. There is nothing wrong working part time jobs and piecing things together if that's what you need to do to allow yourself to take the next step toward your goals.

4) You need to have a Plan B. Fear kills a lot things including our dreams. Having an emergency plan gives us confidence and reassurance as we take the next steps towards the things we want. It opens up the opportunity for us to tell ourselves "it's going to be ok" even if things don't turn out how I expect them to.

5) You have to be honest with yourself. If you're unhappy now there is no way in hell that you are going to be happy 5 years down the road when you're given more work and more responsibility. Have an honest conversation with yourself and figure out what you really want. You can only lie to yourself for so long before it will start to physically, mentally, and emotionally eat away at you.

At 10:23 this morning I told my boss I was giving my two weeks notice. I was terrified. I was shaking. I was sobbing like a baby. But you know what I survived. I left with a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a very very long time. And guess what. When I got home my house was still there waiting for me. I had food in my fridge. My  incredibly loving fiance was waiting for me with loving arms. Everything was ok. The world kept spinning. I didn't die. And now I can move on to bigger and better things. Things that will allow me to use the gifts and talents I've been blessed with.

Today I gave myself permission to listen to my heart instead of my brain, and it's the best things I've ever done for myself.

In a few short months I will be turning 25 so I'm calling this period of time in my life my "quarter life crisis". I am hoping you will come along for the ride with me and join me on my new journey. If you know people that are struggling with this decision please feel free to share this post with them or have them get in touch with me. I've now been through it so I'd love to help out in any I can.

Until next time...

Ali